giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
