Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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