i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
