Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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