I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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