like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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