whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize