thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
