I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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