I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
