I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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