Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
