ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
