I got chris browned last night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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