i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
