Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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