I just made out with a guy for $7.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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