I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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