forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
