im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
