im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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