So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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