The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
