dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
