If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
