I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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