I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
