i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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