The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
How drunk are you?
Completed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
