6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
