So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize