We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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