Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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