I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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