I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
