Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
