You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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