You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
