if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
