yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
