WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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