is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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