I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
