I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize