So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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