Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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