I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize