What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
