I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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