Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
