apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
