For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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