my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
