I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
