That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
