theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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