i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
