I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
