The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
