why do cheetos always look like penises
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
