Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
