Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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